You have got to fight to be happy sometimes. Like, when it seems like your heart is irreparably broken. When it feels like nothing has ever made you happy before and nothing ever will again. When that happens, you have to stop and slow way down. Relearn the lessons you thought you knew, and don’t be ashamed to do so.

20130403-141757.jpg I have become pretty obsessed with old family photos lately. Feels like I’m reminding myself about my own past. Reminding myself of some of the layers that make me, me. It’s nice to remember that I was once sweet, cute and cherished. Because sometimes I don’t feel like I’m any of those things.

I’m 32 and still working to learn myself. That’s because I have never really allowed myself to have quirks or imperfections. Obviously, OBVIOUSLY I still have imperfections. But, I have always seen them as things I could scrub away if I just worked hard enough.

Now, I’m slowly easing into certain things about myself. I’m never going to want to get up extra early. I move at my own pace. I am more comfortable inside my own head.

But, I will think to call you when others might not, I’m not too shabby in the kitchen, and I’m pretty funny. It’s a give and take.

One of the best things about technology is that it can help you find your niche, your community. You can find the information you want to find and listen to the voices you want to hear.

My social media experience is very brown and very female. On tumblr, I get photo after photo of beautiful girls with hair and skin like mine. On twitter, I connect with moms, and with women writers.

It’s so important for me to be able to exist in this parallel world. It’s where I get my mentors, my inspirations.

I have been working on building a deep, deep love within myself.

The love that I’m creating is a comfortable love. A love despite of and because of imperfections. A sitting in silence kind of love. A protecting love. A laughing love. A backbone-strong love.

I’m proud of myself; I’m starting to see the results of my hard work. Because otherwise, how could I love anyone else?

Fear has always been my biggest obstacle. Since I was a little girl. My parents tried to arm me with bible verses. “What time I am afraid I will trust in him.” But I didn’t understand the words. And the fear still came.

My spirit was strong. I came to my mother in dreams,

long before I was even considered a real possibility.

We choose our own mothers,

and they give us what we need.

If we’re lucky, we get warmth.

If we’re lucky, we get joy.